Phoenix
by Dale J. Sprague
Flash Fiction
Trip Into Mind
Upon a clear evening, I gaze upwards into a universe greater than me when I need to know something..anything..to seek nourishment, some experience, some adventure for the faint light dimming within me. I stand facing outer space, facing the light of stars on a clear night. These stars are points of light set in a black sky. They are conscious bits of matter born years to millions of years past. Completely surrounded am I, by a vast history of stars as they once were, a very long time ago
Gazing intently in one direction, I feel passageways through emptiness. I am struck with a sense of unending, and engaged with a single extension of intuition, I attempt to comprehend something finite about the infinite. I gaze from a position, from a minute portion of space looking out from the rim of a starry metropolis. I am traveling among others that together, make a glittering history of time. And into the periphery of my mind, do I place all matter, all radiant light..do I keep only this dark emptiness in the center of my sight. And soon, I am moving swiftly, having found the same darkness within, as that before me. And I move out, tripping out through its passageways upon a course, steering by dead reckoning, keeping ahead of me, the darkness..seeking where it goes..if it ends
Within a world of god, gods, and goddesses, of shadows and forms of space and time, questions haunt me. "What is this reality that I am in? Did I partially arrive with the birth of my body, or some time after? And will I ever feel at home on this Earth? In the universe..are there some far reaches of darkness where light has not yet reached? Is the entire universe of matter completely surrounded by darkness?..or does the emptiness exist like vacuoles in living tissue? Is the darkness but interstellar clouds? Is the shape of the universe actually determined by the speed and course of my perceiving eye? Can light exist without space? Can space exist without light!? Can the universe exist?..without being perceived, conceived, or believed to be there
To what end the universe is, is the mission of this trip, the purpose of mind'fasting now. Programming my ship's navigation controls to auto'seek the weakest g'forces of space and time, I steer a course to some theoretical end of this universe I am in
Feeling my smallness in this vastness, I accelerate to break free from the hold of matter. I need to be relieved from the dint of light. I wish to escape this entrapment. I must accelerate. I must leap and grasp for the deep blackness or vast emptiness! I must find its stillness. Brief eternities come and pass, and from faraway within, I begin to see the light of galaxy clusters dim
Knowing that all light will soon be gone, I ponder upon darkness, itself. And no sooner did I begin to see the confusion between darkness and emptiness, do I realize within this query enveloping me, that without my body, I cannot know space at all. And quickly do I separate and become more attached to the boundaries of my body..touching, feeling these familiar borders with unfamiliar feelings. Within the grip of this abyss, there is an infinite number of choices in any given moment. Turning in each direction of space, I feel no change..no difference wherever I face. All directions are the same in this utter void, this place of un'light
My mind is racing to keep track of the enormous number of moments and directions that exist..but lost, they are meaningless, knowing only one point that is I, unable to see any bit of substance. Alone, I am listening, and hear only silence. It penetrates deeper. A stillness far beyond the means of my senses to feel coldness. Having broken away from the universe of matter, I am in a deep void, a consuming stillness, yet still alive
Space is without light. In every direction, I perceive pitch darkness. It is perception that is dark and empty! Feeling only emptiness around me, I have ceased to move. Far distant, forever away, I am no longer in motion even though the pulsing power of my heart pounds against my ears. Estranged from all, I sense acceleration only as some ghostly wall pressing upon me, a force that is real, but impotent and meaningless in the foreverness of this utter un'light. I am suspended in space because all directions are the same. My coordinates are only those I had with the last bit of light I knew. The arms of my time piece..they appear to move randomly, backwards and forwards. Have I only blacked out, yet remain self aware? Self aware in this uneasy stillness, this emptiness, I, a self'aware mind, absolute space..no time?..no place
All at once, did great waves of matter expand and microwave diminish, accelerating, hyperleaping to infinity as amplitudes approach asymptotes. As my vessel accelerates to ultimate speed, I infinitely expand and diminish in all directions of space, until...where else can the infinity of things be realized? Where else can absolutes be conceived? So it is. So this is it?! The ends of the universe!..but a simple state of a self'aware mind? How so very far, I had to go, to learn the significance of something so close..for as the energy of us diminishes and expands at once to an infinite horizon, do we approach our own event horizon
Pangs of fear grip. This trip now endless, seems hopeless, even though I departed confident that I had enough energy to return. I realize now, while I have plenty of energy, I have no motion, no time, and an infinite number of directions all the same, having arrived with a self'aware mind, made more intense by discovering its significance. Curiosity abandons me, and quitting bone and flesh seems more pleasant than this conscious void, this utter vacant mind around me! Yet, before I become more disintegrated than what I already am, I feel there must be some way to bring change back. Sweet relativity! My earlier thought of after'life is of course, out of consideration, since I have had enough of the unknown and points of no'return. And being now with a very strong urge to be a bit less knowing, I retreat from my eyes. Without change, there is no inspiration. Without inspiration, there is nothing new. No boundaries of darkness from which mornings break light! In the heaviness of this emptiness, feeling drowsy, heady and light, slowly I go to the only place I can be, in this deep silent void...to sleep, within the vastness of this darkness..away from the stress of power and teasing imagination. To sleep!..and perhaps dream, and in that dream find myself back to the wondrous world, stars, and galaxies I left behind
Upon waking, it was then I realized that being self'aware is but only one ultimate end of the universe. And, I was not forsaken!! I was already caught by the heaviness of my thought, and from this streaming void did I re'enter the cooperative dream, this universe..for reality is relative, relative to other ends of the universe and their dreams. We incarnate as we spontaneously are..but we are also what we feel, think, and know. Being an ultimate end of the universe, I feel at home anywhere. Thinking on this, I know that I am. And the one place I know where light had not reached became enlightened. Being one among many, the ends of the universe are at once, inside and outside, depending on where one is, self'aware. As these ends shape the universe, it becomes apparent that light and space are symbiotic. And finally...can the universe exist without perception? No, for without perception, there is no question, conception, or belief. Without a self'aware mind, there would be no questions at all, and anything existential would be moot. But most importantly, within a far, far better dream upon me, I looked back into the dark..and knew that any sense of isolation is self delusion, confusion, or un'enlightened..and with clarity apparent, time and motion and all valued be, would cease within a reality made only of me